Tuesday, August 21, 2007

A synopsis of my day

I have a pimple on my chin.
And a bug bite on my butt.
My daughter woke at 5:15 screaming her heart out because she could not locate her stupid duck Pez dispenser in her bed in the dark.
And I have PMS (plus a negative pregnancy test).

Today is not my most favoritest day. Tomorrow will be better, I feel sure.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I don't want to turn this into a "Gorgon gets pregnant" blog, but......

It seems to be the dominant theme in my brain at the moment, so that's what I'm blogging about. For the almost 3 years my daughter has been on this earth I have experienced a certain level of ambivalence about having another one. Not because I don't love her. Not because I don't like being a mother, but precisely because those things are true. My feelings about the Kraken are so strong that it's hard to imagine feeling this way about another child. I haven't been able to help feeling that I would be shortchanging everyone involved. My daughter, because she would have to share me. My unborn child because he or she would get a diluted form of my love, and would have to spend life watching the Kraken gulp it down at full strength. Myself, because of the guilt that would come from compromising everyone's happiness.

What changed? That's a very good question. I am actually not sure anything has changed. I still have big fear that I won't handle this well, that someone will get less than they need through no fault of their own. Intellectually, I know this is completely ridiculous. I am the first of two children, and I see no difference in the love our parents bestowed on the two of us, and never did. My husband is one of four boys, and none of them turned out to be morally derelict or insane.

I think my fear is more founded in my awareness of my own shortcomings. I can focus very well as long as I have a limited number of things to focus on. Given a limited playing field I will "play" better than anyone else on the team, in most of the endeavors of my life. Expand my range just the tiniest bit beyond my comfort zone and the wheels start to come off the bus, with a certain amount of fanfare and drama. I don't know if I've always been this way, or if my professional life has taught me to juggle so well that it becomes really noticeable when I cannot. I am afraid of extending myself to the point where I fail. Where I fail my daughter. A second child. My husband. Myself. I am afraid of the wheels coming off the bus.

And yet. I am off the pill. I am fertile right. this. minute. I know that I am. And I am going to try my damnedest to get knocked up tonight. And I will fight my own fear and anxiety, I believe (I hope), only until I feel the child move within me, and then I will make my peace with my own inadequacies because I have to. I have to remember. I have done this before. I know how to do this. And love isn't sugar - it doesn't run out.

Friday, August 3, 2007

I have spent so much of my adult life taking the Pill that it's shocking to me how different it is to be off it. I can FEEL my ovaries gearing up to drop their load. There will be no rest for the Minotaur anytime soon.....