Saturday, August 4, 2007

I don't want to turn this into a "Gorgon gets pregnant" blog, but......

It seems to be the dominant theme in my brain at the moment, so that's what I'm blogging about. For the almost 3 years my daughter has been on this earth I have experienced a certain level of ambivalence about having another one. Not because I don't love her. Not because I don't like being a mother, but precisely because those things are true. My feelings about the Kraken are so strong that it's hard to imagine feeling this way about another child. I haven't been able to help feeling that I would be shortchanging everyone involved. My daughter, because she would have to share me. My unborn child because he or she would get a diluted form of my love, and would have to spend life watching the Kraken gulp it down at full strength. Myself, because of the guilt that would come from compromising everyone's happiness.

What changed? That's a very good question. I am actually not sure anything has changed. I still have big fear that I won't handle this well, that someone will get less than they need through no fault of their own. Intellectually, I know this is completely ridiculous. I am the first of two children, and I see no difference in the love our parents bestowed on the two of us, and never did. My husband is one of four boys, and none of them turned out to be morally derelict or insane.

I think my fear is more founded in my awareness of my own shortcomings. I can focus very well as long as I have a limited number of things to focus on. Given a limited playing field I will "play" better than anyone else on the team, in most of the endeavors of my life. Expand my range just the tiniest bit beyond my comfort zone and the wheels start to come off the bus, with a certain amount of fanfare and drama. I don't know if I've always been this way, or if my professional life has taught me to juggle so well that it becomes really noticeable when I cannot. I am afraid of extending myself to the point where I fail. Where I fail my daughter. A second child. My husband. Myself. I am afraid of the wheels coming off the bus.

And yet. I am off the pill. I am fertile right. this. minute. I know that I am. And I am going to try my damnedest to get knocked up tonight. And I will fight my own fear and anxiety, I believe (I hope), only until I feel the child move within me, and then I will make my peace with my own inadequacies because I have to. I have to remember. I have done this before. I know how to do this. And love isn't sugar - it doesn't run out.

7 comments:

Sugarmama said...

I remember feeling something along these lines when I was thinking about having a second child. I'm sure others will tell you this, too, but you really will have enough love for everyone. In fact, in being pregnant with my third now, that particular anxiety hasn't even crossed my mind because it SO didn't happen before.

Now, anxieties about how I'm going to have enough ATTENTION for everyone all at the same time? That's something else. But I'm pretty damn sure that if I can keep my expectations low and get through the first year I'll be in the clear. (Unless someone gets pregnant when they're 15 fer chrissakes...)

Of course, you never were one for having low expectations, my friend. I recommend sinking down to the level of the rest of us! It's way easier.

Piece of Work said...

I think it's time to throw caution to the wind, sister! Don't overthink it, you will be fabulous and we all now it!

Plus I really really need a pregnancy buddy!

bon said...

Oh... hey, POW... you are pregnant? Wow!

Sigh.

Well, I haven't really been talking about it on my blog... but I am in the "fertile" mode as well. It'll be good to read about it, and talk about it with someone.

You will have enough for two.

Inkling said...

I worried a lot about that too--and in fact, with both of my "new" children, I felt a surge of love for the old ones when the new ones were born, and thought, Oh no, I won't be able to love this baby, poor thing. But as the weeks pass an we got acquainted, and I could see how the siblings loved the new one and would accept him, I realized I could do it--spread my love even wider, and it seems to get stronger for each. Think of it as a muscle, exercised. Definitely not sugar.

Devilish Southern Belle said...

Take it from someone who knows....there's ALWAYS enough love to go around. Sure, there will probably be jealousy and sharing issues to be worked out throughout their lives, but they shouldn't be anything major.

Good luck!

cubmommy said...

Don't worry you have enough love to go around. Having three know is just a juggling game on giving them the attention they need. Love is not a problem.

Two kids are a piece of cake!

heidi said...

You and Amos are killing me!!!! I have enough love for two and I just want one. But I have to wait for the 'cake to catch up with the program. He's not onboard right at this moment but I've got Amy working on him.

Good luck chica! Pregnant thoughts of you this evening.