Confession

My name is Suburban Gorgon, and I am an addict.

I know what you're thinking - if she knows that, she knows there are help groups available to her, resources in the community. Uh uh. Not for this particular addiction.

You see, I am addicted to taking pregnancy tests. As the mother of the Kraken, who is now three years old, I remember the overpowering rush of excitement I felt upon seeing those magical two little pink lines appear as I was putting the cap on the test stick (no waiting three minutes for me!). I had always known I wanted children, and to miraculously conceive after 6 weeks of trying, at the age of 33, seemed like such a gift, and so it turned out to be. Now, almost four years later, I am 37, and it isn't going so smoothly this time.

The first month when my period arrived right on schedule, I wasn't surprised. After all, I had one period last time after I went off the pill as well. The second month, I was so confident that I had managed to conceive quickly again, I took an early test, several days before my period was due. Negative. Well, that just means there isn't enough hormone yet, right? After all, they don't get 99% accurate until you're late. Wait two days, take another one. Negative again. And then period. So much for that.

The third month, I thought, would be the charm. We had been having still more, um, relations, and this time I had been paying very close attention to my signals. I knew when I should have ovulated, and I frog marched the Minotaur to bed at all the right times, with all the passion of a tax audit. This time, I couldn't even wait for it to be "five days before the missed period". This time, I took the test a full week before my period was due. The hell? Those things are expensive, even when you buy them in bulk at Costco, as I have now taken to doing. And there was no way that it would have shown up yet at that point even if I was pregnant. So why the hell did I take it? That's easy. Hope.

Five tests later (not kidding), my period arrived. Time for month four. Now this is getting serious. Two more months and at my "advanced maternal age", I should be consulting my doctor about potential fertility problems. Come on! This is the body that created the Kraken. It's not possible that it should have turned on me in just a few short years. Did I wait too long? Did I miss my window? This has to be the month it happens.

This is technically now month five. I would love to say that at the end of month 4 I waited until my period was due to test. I would be lying. Early tests (yes, plural) were negative. The day of my period came and went. As did the next day, and the next, and the next. I held hope in my heart like a tumor, growing inside me every day but feeding on me like cancer, too. I took another test. Negative. I waited two more days. No period. Another test. Negative. If my period does not make an appearance tomorrow, it will be a week late. To some of you, this may sound normal, but I'm a regular sort of girl, if you know what I mean. To be a week late should mean baby, but there's no way I should test negative now if I'm this pregnant - I would have hormones leaking out my ears.

I need help. Before I have to mortgage my house to pay for this little habit of mine.