First of all, apologies to anyone reading this that I did not tell that we found out last week that we were pregnant again. Our plan was not to tell anyone until we were at least 12 weeks along, and as it turns out, that was a sensible plan. Pregnancy loss number 4. This one so early that I never even made it to the doctor. One week I tested positive, started my cocktail of daily shots and supplements to prevent miscarriage, and the next week I knew in my bones that it was over before it had begun. Today's bloodwork confirms that my HCG levels have dropped to less than 5. Nothing left but the inevitable bleeding, which ought to make the weekend interesting.
The good news is, I had less than a week to get my hopes up, and I never really believed it, even after 6 positive tests. The bad news is self evident. We are starting to talk about options. The Minotaur suggested this evening that we take a month off from the relentless pursuit of a second child, and then spend the next few months getting busy when we feel like it, and see what happens. In the meantime, I am in full Internet research mode for adoption options. If anyone has had a positive adoption experience or knows someone who has, please, share the agency name. As much as I hoped to experience the pleasures of pregnancy (and no, I'm not kidding, I actually LIKE being pregnant), I suspect it is not to be, and therefore am looking at my options. I myself come from a household with an older biological child (me) and a younger adopted one (my brother), and am forever grateful to the woman who made the decision that made it possible for me to have a brother.
In the meantime, I am tired, confused, and more than a little bit afraid. But mostly I am so very, very tired.
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4 comments:
My heart is aching for you. I'm so, so sorry, SG. And wishing you time to rest and build up your emotional strength again, before you set down the road on the next part of this journey.
Oh, damn. Damn damn damn! I'm always thinking of you, and your family, looking at all your pictures on flickr. . .all my love.
Ah crap. I am sorry.
Most of the women that I know who have adopted had gone the foster care route... and frankly, virtually all the infant adoptions have been of meth babies.
Serious. I am talking about six babies total, just within a few block radius. Meth baby adoption pretty much require at least one partner to be a SAH, because of the demanding medical needs that they come with as infants. And then the developmental/behavioral needs they tend to have as they get older.
Although, one girlfriend HAS adopted a one year old that was NOT a meth baby, though that adoption was through foster care.
Do you care about the ethnic/cultural background of a baby? A girlfriend from HS adopted from Russia (expensive). My cousin adopted a pair of brothers who have a dramatically different color of skin than the rest of her kids. There is no nice way of saying it... there are apparently some ethnicities of infants that tend to be less in demand (read: more available and costs less to adopt generally). The concept of the above makes me ill just to type it, but that is what I have been told by those who have done research into it.
Plus, last time I checked, the govt was giving tax rebates of four thousand dollars for adoptive parents, the year the adoption takes place.
Um... you did ask.
Oh, I am so, so sorry....if you want any pointers into some adoption corners of the blogosphere, let me know.
I wish you some peace and gentleness around you as you decide what is next. I'm so sorry.
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