Forty days and forty nights

Okay, so it's only been 10 days and 10 nights of bleeding nonstop, but it's starting to feel like longer than that. At least (at the risk of being graphic) it's no longer like the parting of the red sea when I stand up, and it's down to a more manageable level, by which I mean I can leave the house for more than an hour. Okay, no more biblical references.

This is the miscarriage that would not end. I took the Cytotec on Saturday AM at 9, and by 4 PM tonight had happened. By 5 I was wondering if it ever would. By 11 I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to go to bed. By Sunday AM it was relatively under control, but it's still worse than the worst period I've ever had. Nothing like an all day, constant reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore.

At least i know my hormone levels are dropping. I know this from the raging headache that tylenol cannot keep at bay, and that I refuse to take percoset for because I refuse to give up my gin and tonic. If I'm not going to have a baby, I'm at least going to have a drink, dammit.

I promise that soon I will get another topic. This is just a little all consuming at the moment. This is the fourth baby I've said goodbye to in this calendar year.

Another day, another disaster

Turns out it wasn't a blighted ovum after all. Fetal pole and yolk sac present, which means real baby, who had a real shot at making it. My doc's best guess now is that the baby died at 6 weeks or so, quite possibly due to a clot from my fabulous little disorder. By the time my other doc caught the report from the lab from August and got me on the heparin, the baby was already gone.

I don't know whether to be angry that it got missed, or relieved that even I don't have luck bad enough to lose one randomly with this other mess going on.

And does anyone else think it's shitty that the patient leaflet with the medication they give you to induce miscarriage at home has "DO NOT TAKE IF PREGNANT" in biiiiiig letters at the top?

I hate my memory

August 21.
December 26.
June 14.

These are the dates I have memorized. These are the dates my children should have been born.

This is getting a little more difficult now that all the family is out of the house. So, I think I'll watch Sweeney Todd tonight. Johnny Depp is the cure for many ills. If not the cure, at least the equivalent of an intravenous shot of benadryl.

Okay, now I get it about the cramping. I never had that with the other two losses, but I sure as hell do now. In a way, I am almost grateful. At least if it is going to be definitive, I don't have to wait until Thursday to get told that it is definitive. I can go ahead and grieve, and figure out what to do next. I only wish tomorrow was not the Kraken's 4th birthday party - that has the potential to get complicated.

I told a friend earlier this evening that I wonder now how many tragedies my own parents hid from my eyes when I was a child. The Kraken is blissfully oblivious as she races around the house with her cousin, no idea that the sister or brother she wanted is quietly ebbing away.

Three strikes....probably.

I started bleeding and passing small clots at around lunchtime. I am on hold with the OB department now waiting for the doc on call. Not like there's anything they can tell me except whether or not I should continue to take my heparin....but, I have to assume that given the remainder of the information that I am miscarrying.