So long inbetween posts these days. I'm having a hard time with this blog again. Seems like I should give it up since I can't keep it up, but I can't quite bring myself to do it. That same set of circumstances once led to an eel escaping into my house, but that's a story for another time.

So, what have I been doing instead of blogging? Working. Baking. Having hard conversations with my husband about how much longer we stay on this baby making joyride when both of us are already so worn out from a year of sadness and disappointment. Trying not to think about possibly having to say the words. "That's it". "We're done".

I am okay. I am really okay. Most of the time.

I've been away awhile

So, after 4 weeks of bleeding plus some really scary drugs, I am no longer testing positive for pregnancy. Now I just have to wait to have a period before we start again. The never ending merry go round of pain.

I keep reading stories online of people who have what I have, and have started the heparin therapy and then had healthy babies after multiple losses. I don't know why I believe it won't happen to me. Maybe because the Kraken was born without any intervention, or any complications during pregnancy. Maybe because I'm tired of being told "next time it will be fine". Maybe because my biggest fear is simply that I've missed my window and that at 38 it is too. damned. late.

We'll deal with this after Christmas. I don't think I can process it now.