Suburban Herbivore and Indie Squid Kid brought supper, and a little dose of normalcy to the day. Truly, there are few substitutes for good friends, black bean enchiladas, and chocolate cake.

We will get through this. We will have the procedure, and we will try again. One more time. If this happens three times in a row, I'm going to have to start thinking this isn't meant to be.

Calmer today

Also exhausted, even after sleeping 10 hours. I would have been glad to just stay in bed. So many phone calls, reminders that the grief is not mine alone.

And a still more powerful reminder of how much I love the Minotaur, who wept openly with me in the hospital room, and held me until I could catch my breath.

Black Friday

The twins have died. Both of them. Apparently right after I discovered they were both in there. The sudden significant improvement in my morning sickness was probably the first hallmark of their death.

The doctor said it would appear they shared a single placenta, and when one of the babies died, the other one could not survive. I am scheduled for a D&C on Tuesday.

I have lost three babies in 6 months time. I am exhausted. And I am angry enough to put my fist through the wall.

What is wrong with me???

Two days off in a row from work. What sounds like fun? I KNOW! Let's dissassemble the couch and steam clean it!

I clearly have issues.

Free as a bird

In anticipation of potentially losing about 4 weeks of vacation time at the end of the year because I am too stupid to remember to go on vacation, I have decided to start taking long weekends every month. I am off today and tomorrow, and the luxury of four. days. in a row is almost more than I can process. Especially since I decided to send the Kraken on to preschool today and tomorrow.

So, this morning I've done two loads of laundry, cleaned up the back porch, done all the weeding in the back yard, thought about the weeding in the front yard and decided that was a little too ambitious for today (there are more weeds than actual plants), and it's only 9:40. If only I had my normal energy level, I feel sure I could conquer the world by Sunday evening.

Instead, I think I'll meander back outside and do a little bit more yardwork, then come in and sit on my butt. For an extended period of time. With books.

Now that's my idea of a vacation.

Not Fair

Really. Is it fair for the Minotaur to threaten me with divorce, when all I was doing was reciting (um, kind of loudly) the entire opening credits speech for ST TNG (Space.......the FINAL frontier) along with Patrick Stewart. And I might also have done the "duh, duh duh duh, duh DUH duh!" part along with the music, but at least I was on key.

Come on. Not doing it would be like going to the movies and skipping the popcorn. Right?

We're off to see the wizard

The Kraken has a new favorite movie. Her first non-animated love. Fortunately for me, it's The Wizard of Oz, one of my all-time favorites. I remember watching it over and over again with my friend Steel Magnolia's daughter, who used to hide behind me when the wicked witch came on the screen.

So, this morning when we woke up (at 8:15, bless you, Kraken), we came downstairs, got our libations (my one cup of coffee that I am allowed, and the Kraken's giant cup of yogurt smoothie), and curled up on the sofa in a puddle of pillows and blankets to watch the movie. I was shocked at how bad the special effects were, and at how very little it mattered, then or now. The magic of this movie has nothing to do with the visuals, and everything to do with the very human fascination with that which is different from what we know and see every day. The obviously painted backdrops and giant plastic flowers detract nothing from the appeal of the story.

For the most part, the Kraken watched the movie, and I watched the Kraken. Hand on her chin like a caricature of rapt attentiveness, favorite blanket tossed to the side like an old piece of fruit. Mesmerized, as I had been. And I found myself a little overwhelmed, suddenly, by the awareness of how much there still is for her to experience, both great and small. She's never been to Disneyworld. Never read a book by herself. Never petted a rabbit. Never ridden on a roller coaster. Of course she hasn't. She's only 3. But it dawned on me, sometime between the arrival of scarecrow and the tin man, that I will not only get to witness these experiences, I have the honor of providing them.









I can't wait.

Friday Night

And not much to say. A few days of feeling relatively human behind me, and perhaps this weekend I will even spend some time off the couch! In fact, just yesterday saw the re-emergence of the rare, elusive "cooking Gorgon", much to the Minotaur's delight and relief. He better enjoy it while it lasts, because at the rate I'm going I'll be the size of a house in 3 months, and I sure as hell won't be doing any cooking then.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Reprieve

Today, for the first time in 2 and a half weeks, I did not feel like a medically induced coma would be the best place for me. I'm 8 1/2 weeks, and not sure whether to feel afraid of the sudden reduction in fatigue and nausea, or grateful for it. At least either way I don't have long to wait - I have another ultrasound next Friday. And I don't feel fabulous, mind. I just don't feel like spending 20 out of every 24 hours in bed. I actually even enjoyed the taste of my lunch. Apparently, the twins like a barbeque sammich, so I made sure I gave them each one. Sigh. I fear for my girth.

The Kraken's grateful receipt of attention this evening made me aware that I've been neglecting more than the laundry these last few weeks. I have spent very little time with my best girl. She's been a good sport. Sure hope she's as forgiving when the interlopers arrive.

We're still a little in shock in the Gorgon household, and still trying to figure out how to make the money part work. I'm actually not at all afraid of coping with the actual raising of the twins. I know I can handle that. It's just the extra $12K a year in daycare I wasn't banking on. We've run the numbers, and the Minotaur really can't quit his job, so we're going to have to cobble the bucks together somehow. It will work out, I know. I just don't have a master plan on paper yet, and I am not a girl who deals well with not having the master plan.

I'm going to go try to have a conversation with my husband that doesn't involve me moaning for popsicles.

Update

I'm not sure how best to convey the results of my first OB appointment. Perhaps a written reenactment?

Dr. Fabulous Woman: Okay, Gorgon. Let's do an ultrasound. After last time I know you want to go home for the weekend with a heartbeat in your head.

Gorgon: You rock! Thanks!

Dr. Fabulous Woman: Okay. Well, I see the heartbeat, looks about right for 8 weeks. Let's measure. Yep, that looks about right too. Well, I would have to say everything looks pretty good. Wait. (peers closely at screen). *Long pause.* Well, Gorgon. There's just one thing.

Gorgon: (trying not to vomit). What is it?

Dr. Fabulous Woman: I think maybe I see two of them.

Gorgon: HUH?

And lo, two hours and a high definition ultrasound down the hall later, she was quite right, although the US techs couldn't believe she'd seen it on the little portable deal she was using. I am going to have twins. Fraternal twins, best they can tell this early in the game. The right size for where I am, and my body is "adjusting to the task of bearing multiples beautifully". Otherwise known as the. fact. that. you. are. visibly. pregnant. at. 8. weeks is NORMAL.

I am not sure how I feel yet. Joyous that the babies are healthy thus far, but shellshocked at the prospect of how we're going to pay for it all. I can't go there yet. I need a weekend to process the fact that it's happening.

The response from the Minotaur? "I'm not sure I know how to respond to that yet". I hear that, my love. Me neither.

Tomorrow

8 weeks. My first OB appointment. Wish me luck......

6 weeks, 5 days

Huzzah! The milestone is past. I must still be pregnant, because seriously? I don't remember ever feeling this lousy. I have to think I probably did with the Kraken - the Minotaur claims memory loss on the subject, but he usually does when he's afraid there's a "wrong" answer to my question that might result in me spending the next 1/2 hour explaining to him why it was the wrong answer. Heh.

But I don't remember. I know I didn't feel this way with the one I lost in January, because I actually got on a plane and then walked around NYC all afternoon. I can barely make it to the bathroom and the mailbox right now.

All right, I've said it before, I don't want this blog to turn into "The Gorgon obsesses obsessively about her pregnancy". In other news, the Kraken knocked a tooth loose at preschool on Monday, and now it's not positioned the same way it was before - it's a little farther back in the gum. The Minotaur got fairly peeved with me for suggesting that her new look was a little on the redneck side, but it kind of is, and I didn't say it in front of her. At least it's a baby tooth. And she's not screaming in agony every time she puts a cup to her lips or food in her mouth anymore. My poor little baby. For a princess, she sure does get banged up a lot. We buy bandaids in bulk.

Finally, for a complete non-sequiter. The forecast for tomorrow? 97 degrees. It's JUNE, people, not August. This is completely ridiculous. I'm thinking of writing a strongly worded letter.

6 weeks, 2 days

Like the flipping of a switch, at 6 weeks exactly my stomach decided to register its protest against the world. On Friday, at work, I had to make a very melodramatic exit from a meeting to kneel on the floor in the bathroom, barfing up my lunch. MUCH to the entertainment of my colleagues. "Did you blow chunks?", asked my boss, snickering as he said it. Which I will get him back for at the first available opportunity.

I honestly don't remember if I was this queasy with the Kraken - it was over four years ago. I know I was nauseous with her most of the first trimester. But I know it didn't happen with the baby I lost in January. I felt pretty good most of that 8 1/2 weeks, and now I wonder if that wasn't an indicator that something was wrong from the beginning.

I am suddenly mostly sick all day - sometimes it even wakes me up in the middle of the night. I am exhausted enough that yesterday I took my first nap since the Kraken was newborn, 3 1/2 years ago. I didn't even DO anything around the house yesterday, a state of affairs that will be shocking to those that know me in 'real life'. I cannot walk down the aisle with the cleaning products in the store without retching from the godawful stink of them. My breasts feel like someone has been hitting them with garden trowels. And yesterday at Costco? I saw a woman with a baby in a carrier, and the tears just rolled down my face. And yes, the Minotaur laughed at me. Like he always does.

In 1 more day, I will be past the point where the trouble started with the last pregnancy, my next milestone to monitor. I am completely. fucking. miserable. And I am unbelievably grateful.